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The Onion


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“It’s amazing—the torture here is just miles and miles ahead of what they do in the U.S.,” said former C.I.A. director and U.S. Secretary of State candidate Mike Pompeo, who credited the sheer scope, creativity, and attention to detail employed in North Korea’s innovative torture techniques for inspiring his sudden defection. “They don’t mess around with that namby-pamby waterboarding stuff like we do back in the States. In North Korea, if they, I mean, if we suspect someone to be an enemy of the regime, they’re beaten half to death, thrown in a labor camp, forced to dig their own graves, then slowly crushed to death under the corpses of their families and friends. Hell, if Kim Jong-un says he doesn’t like a band’s music, the police strap the musicians across the muzzles of anti-aircraft cannons, fire off a volley, and drive tanks back and forth over the bloody gobbets. I have so much lost time to make up.” #theonion
Report: Puerto Rico Situation Remains Dire Despite Months Of No Help Whatsoever
“Having already established a precedent when we heard Lazaretto in 2014, we have decided to bring Boarding House Reach before the court,” said Chief Justice John Roberts, adding that the album had already been heard by the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Eleventh Circuit, where Judge Gerald Bard Tjoflat had overridden a lower court’s decision by ruling in its favor. “We consented to review this album because it offers the court the opportunity to further clarify Mr. White’s career, which has on occasion been ambiguous and difficult to define going back to the Elephant-era White Stripes. It is our intention that this ruling will serve as the clear legal basis for all future assessments of his blues-influenced guitar work.” #theonion
Trash Bag Taped Over Broken Southwest Plane Window
“It’s going to be three hours—maybe more with traffic—so even if you don’t have to jerk off right this second, you should at least try,” said local mom Mary Curran, hoping to avoid a repeat of their last trip when they barely managed to pull off I-39 in time for her youngest to blow his load into a ditch. “I know you say you just cranked one out, but you say that every time. Please just go and pleasure yourself now so we don’t find ourselves desperately looking for an exit with a Denny’s that will let you jack it without buying anything first.” #theonion
L.A. Fitness Announces Plan To Close All Locations For 30-Minute, High-Intensity Diversity Training
“I’ve stood firmly in support of Mueller, believing the president must be held accountable for his severe misdeeds, but I’m also against torture, so…I think this is probably wrong? Maybe?” said left-leaning voter Gregory Topper, who at first responded with horror to news that convicted campaign advisers Paul Manafort and Michael Flynn had been repeatedly subjected to simulated drowning, but then added that the nation must do everything in its power to stop a corrupt despot like Trump—and perhaps that included waterboarding, though perhaps not. “This is an attack on our democracy, and these are clearly terrible, terrible people. Even so, we shouldn’t resort to torture, not ever. But is waterboarding even really torture? I mean, you aren’t in real physical danger. Huh. On the other hand, it’s still barbaric and inhumane, so there’s no way I can support this. Or can I?” #theonion
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National News Highlights